damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Haha good job!!
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”