911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
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[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.