Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.