My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.