I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
You Might Also Like
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Dudes named Chance never had one.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
The symmetry is uncanny.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.