There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You Might Also Like
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.