Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Found my door mat
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.