Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The Friday File.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
*launders Kohls cash*
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
ok like just. call me at this point
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.