I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕