If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything