There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.