Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.