Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You Might Also Like
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
The first matador
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.