@MarcusTheToken

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

@MarcusTheToken

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

@MarcusTheToken

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

@MarcusTheToken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@MarcusTheToken

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

@MarcusTheToken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

@MarcusTheToken

I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I’m thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.

@MarcusTheToken

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

@MarcusTheToken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

@MarcusTheToken

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.