“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*