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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

@MarfSalvador: him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

@MarfSalvador: [repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@MarfSalvador: me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@MarfSalvador: [Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you've cleared your name?

: Odd

@MarfSalvador: wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

@MarfSalvador: date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@MarfSalvador: contortionist: what's wrong?

proctologist: your head's in the way

@MarfSalvador: [on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol' dad

wife: dave isn't old

me: what

@MarfSalvador: [sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so... do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring