[dead at the bottom of the pool in a mermaid outfit]

him: *sadly* it was supposed to go over your legs


me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see


me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home


me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it


interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap


[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*


[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats


him: *dying* avenge me


widow: ok who put him in the thor costume