@MarfSalvador

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@MarfSalvador

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@MarfSalvador

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

@MarfSalvador

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@MarfSalvador

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!