Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

@MarfSalvador: me: babe, i think we're ready to take this to the next level. here's a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@MarfSalvador: interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

@MarfSalvador: [boarding a plane]

me: I'm nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

@MarfSalvador: [desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she's still afraid of boats

@MarfSalvador: him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

@MarfSalvador: [repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn't make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@MarfSalvador: me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@MarfSalvador: [Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you've cleared your name?

: Odd

@MarfSalvador: wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway