me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
me: a boat!
me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
him: *dying* avenge me
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!