*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body
Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats