@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@MarfSalvador

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

@MarfSalvador

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@MarfSalvador

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

@MarfSalvador

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

@MarfSalvador

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

@MarfSalvador

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats