I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
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Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.