[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
wife: tell me her name
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet