[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]


me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!


[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd


wife: tell me her name



*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway


date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham


contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way


[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what


[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring


sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you


me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet