@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

@MarfSalvador

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

@MarfSalvador

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

@MarfSalvador

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

@MarfSalvador

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

@MarfSalvador

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

@MarfSalvador

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

@MarfSalvador

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

@MarfSalvador

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet