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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : [sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so... do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

@MarfSalvador: sugar daddy: I'm gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I'm gonna preserve you

@MarfSalvador: me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

@MarfSalvador: me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

@MarfSalvador: [buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

@MarfSalvador: [to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

@MarfSalvador: [Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o'clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

@MarfSalvador: [date]
me: what's your type?
her: I like a man who doesn't get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@MarfSalvador: [bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that's it keep pushing

@MarfSalvador: [dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it's MY microwave