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@MarfSalvador : [sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so... do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
@MarfSalvador: sugar daddy: I'm gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I'm gonna preserve you
@MarfSalvador: me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
@MarfSalvador: me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
@MarfSalvador: [buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
@MarfSalvador: [to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
@MarfSalvador: [Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o'clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: what's your type?
her: I like a man who doesn't get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
@MarfSalvador: [bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that's it keep pushing
@MarfSalvador: [dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it's MY microwave