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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : doctor: the results don't look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

@MarfSalvador: me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

@MarfSalvador: me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

@MarfSalvador: doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

@MarfSalvador: [zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon

@MarfSalvador: [hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you're there

@MarfSalvador: doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

@MarfSalvador: son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

@MarfSalvador: [opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says "oh my god"

@MarfSalvador: [bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don't think I'm a pathetic loser
wife: no