sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink