[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon