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@MarfSalvador : doctor: the results don't look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
@MarfSalvador: me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
@MarfSalvador: me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
@MarfSalvador: doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
@MarfSalvador: [hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you're there
@MarfSalvador: doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
@MarfSalvador: son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
@MarfSalvador: [opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says "oh my god"
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don't think I'm a pathetic loser