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Page of MarfSalvador's best tweets

@MarfSalvador : me: so there's nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you're just going to have to live with it I'm afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

@MarfSalvador: cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I'm ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes... yes. it's this bit below the neck

@MarfSalvador: [fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you're right [closing menu] just the ketchup then

@MarfSalvador: [restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don't be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

@MarfSalvador: her: cute dog, what's his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he's not been in any movies

@MarfSalvador: [after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

@MarfSalvador: me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

@MarfSalvador: [calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so... yeah... can I come pick them up?

@MarfSalvador: me: where have you been? it's 5am!
wife: I'm having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!