@MarfSalvador: cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I'm ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes... yes. it's this bit below the neck
@MarfSalvador: [fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you're right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don't be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
@MarfSalvador: her: cute dog, what's his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he's not been in any movies
@MarfSalvador: [after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
@MarfSalvador: me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
@MarfSalvador: [calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so... yeah... can I come pick them up?
@MarfSalvador: me: where have you been? it's 5am!
wife: I'm having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!