There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
How software testing works
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen