Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
You Might Also Like
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?