I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
it must be school picture day
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.