Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
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I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Are we there yet?…
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen