They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.