I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.