Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
You Might Also Like
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
concern
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
gentlemen, hear me out
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT