@MarkAgee

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

@MarkAgee

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@MarkAgee

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

@MarkAgee

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

@MarkAgee

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

@MarkAgee

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

@MarkAgee

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online