Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh