My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
an airline just for babies.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets