Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
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Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*