@Marlebean

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

@Marlebean

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

@Marlebean

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

@Marlebean

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

@Marlebean

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

@Marlebean

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

@Marlebean

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

@Marlebean

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

@Marlebean

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

@Marlebean

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?