Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
absolutely not
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.