My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous