him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
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I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked