@MarlonBrandNO

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

@MarlonBrandNO

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@MarlonBrandNO

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek

@MarlonBrandNO

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@MarlonBrandNO

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

@MarlonBrandNO

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

@MarlonBrandNO

I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.

@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*