Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Me: it should be called a threek
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”
*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Me: cmon son
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“Drop it like its hot”
-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)
Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*