I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it