Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
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click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
not for long
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*