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@MartaEffing : Cut back on carbs by putting two hot dogs in one bun.
@MartaEffing: Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?
@MartaEffing: Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
@MartaEffing: Ask her why she looks so tired. That'll wake her up.
@MartaEffing: I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.
@MartaEffing: This gym's proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.
@MartaEffing: I don't understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
@MartaEffing: I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.