[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”