Cut back on carbs by putting two hot dogs in one bun.
Why would I ruin perfectly good cup of coffee by having a date during it?
Between bank balances, my weight and age, math makes me more emotional than I ever thought possible.
My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, ‘that’s how many teeth adult humans have’.
I sure hope he asks me out again.
Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.
I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it’s me at a party where they just served shrimp.
This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.
I don’t understand how wild bears can eat all that salmon without a squeeze of lemon and some sea salt.
I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.