broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
This kid will have a bright future.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.