I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.