Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”