There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You Might Also Like
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”