lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Can’t stop laughing
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.