Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My new favorite headline
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.