If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Oh hi lol
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?