I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Attacked by a mop.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Maths meets science
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?