@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@MattMcElaney

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

@MattMcElaney

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.