@MattTheBrand

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

@MattTheBrand

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

@MattTheBrand

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

@MattTheBrand

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

@MattTheBrand

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

@MattTheBrand

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

@MattTheBrand

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed