Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
What the dentist sees
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused